Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
