She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
