I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
