apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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