if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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