3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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