well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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