dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
