went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She bit a glass in half.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
