Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
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We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
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We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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