After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I just want nice things and good sex
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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