Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
