She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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