I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
