I molested 6 butterflies tonight
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
