I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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