I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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