I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love having hate sex.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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