I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
