Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
