...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
