So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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