i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Randomize
