Banned from zoo.
Again?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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