she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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