I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
