Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
