did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
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Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
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Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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