I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
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just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
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No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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