just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
