when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize