can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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