oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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