He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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