Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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