Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
