she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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