I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.