Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.