I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon