I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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