mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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