hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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