Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I just gargled with NyQuil
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
