No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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