I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You are a booty call, not a friend.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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