Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
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