I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
