Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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