Please, let me fuck your mom
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
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