just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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