If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
