If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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