just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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