I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
