Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
