It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
