his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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