1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
