We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
