That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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