When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
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