and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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